I can do better than this

Last night, laying in bed and trying to fall asleep, I had this thought:

I can do better than this.

As much as I wish I could find contentment in my daily life, it eludes me. I think it's because I thought that I'd have it figured out by now. That I wouldn't still be getting hammered a couple of nights a week or living in some podunk town in the Central Valley of California. I thought I'd be on my way to a fulfilling career and not living paycheck to paycheck anymore. I thought I'd eat healthily and work out regularly and travel often.

That's not the case. At all.

Though I have many, many blessings in my life and I think of them often, I still can't help feeling that I can do better than this.

But where to start?

Instead of grand proclamations, I am going back to the basics.

Cooking myself a healthy, green dinner. Saying no to the emotional eating that wants to take over.

I'm applying to jobs that are a step in the right direction. And cleaning my damn house. 

Basically, I'm doing better. 

Because I can do better. 

Overcoming insecurity

Oy, talk about a 180.

Last night I was all glitter and rainbows, waxing poetic about how everything is beautiful and lovely and I-just-love-my-life-so-much glorious.

Then, insecurity in the form of cupcakes and cashmere swept in and I couldn't shake the feeling that I am c-r-a-z-y for taking ownership of my dreams and believing that I can really write something that masses of people will want to read every day.

You see, I don't want to write about fashion, or food, or exercise. I'm not interested in giving the world a play-by-play of my day-to-day life.

I want to write about things that matter from my own perspective. I want to share my experiences, the things I'm learning in my life. I want to write. I want to share my actual life and not sugarcoat my existence. I don't want to make normal people like me feel like their story isn't pretty enough or trendy enough to share.

Are there people interested in learning about that?

Insecure me says no.

But, I'm hoping that she's just a bitch and I have something worth saying.

I guess all I can do is try?

Only problem with that is that I've tried and...I don't want to say "failed"...but, basically, yeah. I failed. I've had about a million unsuccessful blogs and just one time I want to make something I'm proud of.

I think that is the point of this whole exercise.

I need to write something I'm proud of.

For whatever reason, I'm proud of this post because I feel like I'm writing something that matters. I think I need to shut out negative influences and do what I do best:

write.

A Beautiful Weekend

Wow, I'm just so happy right now.

Happy like I just shook my groove thang in my bathroom mirror for fifteen minutes to Beyonce's We Like to Party.

Happy like I decided to go running at 8pm on a Sunday after watching Breaking Dawn at 1pm and taking an hour nap at 4pm.

Happy like I feel content and ready to take on the challenges of my world.

Because I've been so open about my life goals and dreams around here...ahem, see this post.... I want to share my current Life's Goals list.

In random order:

• Be a professional blogger (duh)
• Write a book
• Be a foster parent
• Travel (a lot)
• Start a free weight loss group for women that focuses on healthy habits, body image and simple ways to work health into your life
• Teach hip-hop exercise classes
• Have a loft apartment in a big city
• Have a weight loss feature in Shape Magazine

Of course, there are many other things I want, but these are my current musts. 

What about you?