Monday, July 16, 2012
So many things
I have so many things I want to say, but I feel scared to share my true self. It's hard to admit publicly that I'm terrified to write in this blog and truly pursue my writing career (on my own terms) because the possibility of failure looms so large. I understand that it's still failure if I don't try, but it's not such an obvious sort of failure, I guess. The crazy thing is, I think about this blog every damn day. I brainstorm writing topics, I daydream, I fantasize. But, I just don't follow through. It's a theme that translates to virtually every corner of my life. I want to pay off my debt, but I remain stuck in the spending spirals I've been fighting since I first started earning money. I want to work out reguarly, but I start/fail/start/fail over and over again. I want to eat well and break free from the bonds of emotional eating that have plagued me since childhood. So many things, I want. But, for some reason I will not, cannot, have not, made them happen. I'm tempted to make the same proclamations that I always do: I WILL CHANGE. I WILL BE THE PERSON I WANT TO BE. I'm tempted to shout it from the rooftops. The problem is that I've heard those proclamations very loudly and clearly too many times to count. My ears hurt and my faith is thin. I'm not sure where to begin.