I've waffled all week about whether or not to share my struggles in this post below. I've decided that honest is the only way I know how to be with my writing and have made a commitment to sharing my truth in this space.I believe that one thing that ties us all together is the commonality of our struggles and fears; my hope is that by sharing my own I will inspire and encourage others to persevere against theirs as well.
This Monday I had what many would consider a routine medical check-up, but I was just a ball of nerves. I knew that the technician would be taking my weight, blood pressure and the like. The thought filled me with dread. For the past year and a half, I have been packing on weight. I knew this, but I was scared to hear the numbers nevertheless. I can't remember a doctor's visit in my life that hasn't left me defeated and in tears because of the numbers on the scale.
I can't remember a single one.
As predicted, the news wasn't good. Ever since, I've been in such a low, sad place. It's hard to describe that feeling of being completely worthless and unworthy. All I can say is that my inability to control my weight leaves me feeling hopeless and like a failure in every facet of my life. Every facet.
I don't want to go too deep into the details; they're hard for me to think on. What I want to remember is the fact that I was able to once again pull myself up and gather my strength to continue my journey.
Tonight I had this incredible moment of clarity in which I realized just how much I want to discover and develop my creative talents. I want to share my writing, my story, my photography with the world. I think I have something beautiful to tell, something gorgeous waiting to be grown inside of me and communicated to an audience.
To get to that space, I cannot be trapped in the one I'm currently in.
This obsession about my outer looks that have no bearing on what I am inside. I made a decision: I am willing to give one hour of my day to exercise and at least two meals every day to balanced nutrition. I will give my health that gift and I will let my weight fall where it may. I refuse to give the best parts of my mind to this struggle any more.
After all, I need and I must go about the business of being great. Life is too beautiful not to give it my best effort.