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Monday, November 21, 2011

I miss my friend

I lost my friend. I really lost her. I lost something so special, someone I never treasured enough until she was gone.

I feel such a deep grief for Marianne. I think about her often, wishing that things could have ended differently for her.

I wish that she could've had someone other than me sifting through her belongings after her death. I hardly knew her. Just one year of baring one's soul in a group therapy session doesn't qualify me (in my mind) to bear testament to all the things she left on this earth.

It doesn't qualify me to be the one looking at her beloved wind chime every night outside of my front door, thinking of her. It doesn't qualify me to be the one at her funeral, reading the poems that meant the most to her, not even knowing how the hell to pronounce the word invictus.

I just wish she left this earth differently. It kills me to think of her using superglue to affix her tooth because she couldn't afford to get it fixed at the dentist. I hate to think of all of the pills she swallowed on a daily basis to push through the pain of her memories of past tortures. My heart quickens in anger when I consider that she left this earth alone, with only her pet rat near her as she drew her last painful breath.

I just want the best for  her. I wish she could've lived in her utopia: birds and horses and flowers all around her. A beautiful home that she wasn't too depressed to care for. No worries of a crooked cop finding her and shattering her life again.

I wish she could've found peace.

I wish she could've found peace.

Instead, peace found her in death. Death gave her the freedom she couldn't find on this earth. I hope she finds the heaven she deserves. I sincerely do.

In the meantime, I feel like she's teaching me. Helping me observe the lessons the universe presents me:

life is short. It's so short.

I want to find and live in the beauty of my world. I want to develop deep relationships, freely give love to those around me. Help those in need. Truly listen to those needing an ear.

I want to be the best woman I can be. I don't want this world to break me: I want to welcome and face life's challenges head-on, knowing that every moment is shaping me.

Every moment is perfecting me. And, in the end, I will proudly say: I was here. I lived each day, embracing each moment, until I died. I only hope I can leave as much love in my wake as Marianne left in her's.

I miss you, friend.

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